


And on the bad days too

by wildcursive



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Non-graphic description of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5851516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildcursive/pseuds/wildcursive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe has kept on losing the most important things in his life ever since he set foot on Jakku, but they all keep coming back to him in the company of an ex-stormtrooper, who somehow keeps evading death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And on the bad days too

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello and welcome to this was-supposed-to-be-about-1k one shot, which instead turned into a 4k first fic in over 6 years for me. I have taken some liberties with the canon parts in the begining and this is also un-beated, so any and all (hopefully not too many) mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy!

 

It all starts when he wakes up after the crash: dizzy, with his mouth dry as a parchment and the heat of Jakku’s sun blazing on his skin. Beneath the pain and exhaustion there is a residual layer of adrenaline and he remembers now: the elation, fleeing from certain death, flying the TIE fighter, Finn in the cockpit at his back-

“Finn!” his vision focuses at once and some of the alertness returns as he struggles to get up, his new friend’s name on his lips

“FIIINN!” Poe is frantic and there is nothing ahead of him but the sickening orange hues of the desert

“FINN CAN YOU HEAR ME,” he turns around then and sees it, black smoke coming from a hill in the distance “Finn!”

There is nothing to salvage from the wreck of his landing, so he doesn’t even look back as he heads into the direction of the crashed TIE-fighter as fast as his legs would allow him.

It takes him what he thinks is at least an hour to cross about half the distance, eyes never leaving the top part of the TIE-fighter’s hull that is visible from his lower vantage point. _“Hang on Finn, buddy, I’m coming.”_

A sickening sound splits the air in the next moment and he can no longer see the black metal above the sands. He tries to call for Finn again, but his previous shouting, combined with how fast he has been trying to walk, and the heat allow only for a raspy whisper of the other man’s name to leave his mouth. He is still too far away, Poe thinks, so he tries to run.

The explosion comes just before his legs give out under him. Or maybe it is the reason they do, he doesn’t know. What he does know is that he is sitting helpless among a sea of sand while the man who saved his life in now buried underneath it.

He is found by a scavenger and somehow manages to make it out. The unworthy are always the ones that do, he thinks hopeless.

He had given up on the Finalizer, he remembers sometime later while boarding a ship that will take him to the nearest planet with ties to the resistance. Memories of razor-sharp pain coursing through every inch of his already aching body resurface, along with the horror of Ren invading his mind, picking it apart piece by piece, and Poe sitting there helpless, screaming himself hoarse in an attempt to make it all go away.

He had been a dead man in a chair, this is what he tells the General once he has, at her insistence, been patched up by the medi-droids back at the base and stomached a few bites of whatever was being offered for lunch in the mess hall. He had been a dead man without hope and then a Stormtrooper had come and saved him, and Poe Dameron had probably never felt so alive. He keeps the last part to himself.

***

There hasn’t really been any time to grieve when the message that BB-8 has been spotted on Takodana comes. Poe’s not even sure how much time has passed since his return to the base, most of it spent unconscious or zoned out as his body and mind try to recuperate. Something warm settles in the huge emptiness that has been occupying his chest ever since the TIE-fighter sank into the sands of Jakku in front of his eyes. Momentarily the weariness disappears and he is suddenly filled with a sense of purpose so strong, he almost doesn’t wait for the General’s authorization before he is running to suit up and get into his ship. He now has a second shot at completing his mission. Poe doesn’t think of Fin, a clear head is needed if he is to succeed this time, he will grieve properly later.

Takodana is a mess, blaster shots flying in every direction among the rubble on the ground and TIEs everywhere above. He spares a glance at what he presumes is the Millennium Falcon before taking out several Stormtroopers on the ground and returning to almost effortlessly evading enemy fire, his ship like an extension of his body.

He doesn’t hear someone on the ground call him one hell of a pilot.

The mission is a success and the elation of his fellow pilots feels almost palpable over the com-link. But as they leave Takodana’s orbit and set a course for D’Qar something heavy settles in Poe’s chest. Now that BB-8 has been rescued, there is nothing to keep his thoughts from Finn, kind-hearted Finn, who didn’t even have a real name, who accepted the one Poe gave him without a second thought, who didn’t even get a whole day of freedom from the First Order.

The heaviness in his chest becomes full-blown dread the closer his X-Wing gets to the planet’s surface. And then he has landed, a flurry of activity everywhere around him while he has never felt more tired and hopeless in his life. The forgotten ache seems to settle even deeper into his bones this time, everything too bright and too loud as he struggles to get out of his ship.

He sees it just as his feet hit the ground, BB-8 rushing towards him at full speed, and Poe has almost no time to enjoy their reunion, because the droid is beeping too excitedly and he is so overwhelmed, he only gets fragments of it. Having apparently completed its story, BB-8 turns to the side and that’s when Poe sees Finn. Alive and looking unharmed, the other man is running towards him. Poe doesn’t even notice when his legs have started moving, but he is also running as fast as he can. They meet in the middle in a tight hug and Poe forgets all the pain and weariness, because Finn is real. The man who had without any outside intervention decided to abandon the only place he had known and everything he had been taught because he knew it was wrong, the man who had saved his life is now in his arms alive and well.

They break apart, but stay close, hands on the other’s arms, neither believing that they are both actually there. Each having thought that the other was dead, like the characters of some tragic romance and Poe would have found it almost funny if he wasn’t so overwhelmed. Finn is also wearing his jacket and the surprise of that clears his mind a little. The jacket, another precious thing that had been lost on Jakku. And yet, here it is, on Finn’s shoulders, come back to Poe along with everything he had thought was lost. Finn tries to remove it and it’s like his hands move on their own accord, tugging the garment back onto the other man’s shoulders. It does really look good on him, yes, and that is certainly attraction he is feeling, has probably felt since the start, but was too busy to notice because both of them were trying to stay alive. But there is also something else about Finn having kept the jacket and it’s like a part of Poe has been there with the other man while they were separated. There is no time to dwell on the rush of warmth and protectiveness that washes over him at that thought, because Finn is asking him for help with such urgency in his voice that Poe forgets about everything else.  

***

Starkiller has been destroyed, but the cost is heavy, visible in the despair in the General’s eyes that betrays the determination written on her face, felt in the solemn mood of the celebration that is thrown the very same night, right after the map leading to Luke Skywalker has been finally put together.

The news that Rey will be leaving to find the General’s brother spreads quickly and surprises no one. She is the one Skywalker’s lightsaber called to and probably the only hope they’ll have to defeat Kylo Ren, but for that she needs Skywalker. For Poe however, Rey leaving means Finn will be left alone. Finn, who has been in a medical coma, recovering from a close to fatal lightsaber wound to the back for the last 4 days, 13 hours and 45 minutes, according to BB-8, who likes reminding him several times a day that he still hasn’t gone to see the other man.

He stomps down the guilt an anxiety that fill his chest when he as much as gets close to that part of the base and finally makes his legs carry him to the med-bay. Rey is still there when he arrives, dressed in new and sturdier gear, likely a gift from the General. She seems to be on her way out, because as he approaches she gets up, presses a kiss to Finn’s forehead and murmurs something Poe can’t make out. Feeling like an intruder, he tries to step back as quietly as possible and give her space, but then she turns around at looks at him.

“I have been wondering when you would come by,” her expression is guarded, but kind “Finn shouldn’t be alone.”

He only manages a small smile and a nod as he walks several paces into the room.

“You will look after him, right?” she closes the short distance between them and places a hand on his forearm “He will need you when he wakes up.”

“Of course” he manages to return this time as he goes to sit in the chair she had previously been occupying “And Rey,” they both turn around to face each other again “Take care of yourself out there.” he smiles for what feels like the first real time since the beginning of the whole ordeal

“You too, Poe.” she answers, a soft surprised smile on her own lips

***

Finn wakes up a week later, frantic and scared, Rey’s name on his lips and Poe can barely manage to calm him down before the room is full of medi-droids that are making him go and wait outside. He is allowed to return inside some half an hour later, assured that his friend is going to make a full recovery, and finds a still slightly stressed-looking Finn.

“Hey buddy, how are you feeling?” Poe asks gently, returning to his place in the chair by the bed “They are telling me you are going to be just fine.” he almost reaches out to take Finn’s hand, but stops himself, leaving his palm on the edge of the bed, fingers lightly gripping the mattress

“Like I was almost cut in half by a lightsaber.” Finn returns with a small smile, before the gleam of panic returns to his eyes “Where is Rey, Poe?”

“She left to find Luke Skywalker about a week ago. She was well and she is going to make contact as soon as the Falcon is out of hyperspace.”

Finn looks relieved and settles down a bit with a groan.

“Easy there, big guy, you saved us all and now you need to rest some more so you can recover properly.”

Finn lets out a small huff.

 “Aren’t you the one who destroyed the oscillator?” he is not meeting Poe’s eyes, choosing instead to look at the ceiling, swallowing hard several times, jaw clenched “I just went in and let Solo die and Rey get hurt.”

“Hey, Finn, look at me,” the other man turns his head, but his eyes shift for a few seconds before they settle on Poe’s face “We would have all been dead without you there to lower the shields, Rey wouldn’t have come back, nor would she have had the time to recover and kick Ren’s ass, she told us all about it. General Solo was trying to save his son. Kylo Ren chose to kill his own father, and there is no one else to blame for the General’s death but him.”

Poe only notices that his hand has started moving from the edge of the bed towards Finn’s when it turns out that the other man has done the same. Their fingers intertwine somewhere in the middle and Poe brings his other hand to cover them, eyes still locked with Finn’s, expression as sincere and open as it can possibly be.

“You’re a hero Finn, everyone on this base will tell you that.”

Finn’s fingers squeeze his own once, twice, and then he manages a small smile, a warm and incredulous look in his eyes.

“Thank you.”

***

Finn is to spend another few days in the med-bay and the General agrees that it would be best to have him room with Poe when he is discharged. Poe has been grounded for the past week, ever since a new planet had been chosen to house the Resistance and the slow and tedious moving arrangements had begun. Having spent the time alternating between staring at Finn’s unconscious form and taking naps in the chair, he finds the change of pace refreshing. He does all he can to keep the other man from feeling restless, from teaching him card games to sharing mission stories and bringing BB-8 to play holovids.

On the second day after waking up, Finn is sent to his first physical therapy session. Poe is not allowed there with him for the first few days, so he goes to the storage where everything found on Finn’s person had been put upon him being brought to the med-bay and finds his old jacket. The back has been cut in half three quarters of the way down and Poe feels sick for a minute, the image of Ren’s lightsaber slicing Finn’s skin in the same way flashing through his mind. He takes several deep breaths, reminding himself that his friend will soon be okay and heads to the pilots’ quarters.

 

***

One thing that people don’t know about Jessika Pava, Poe thinks, is that she is just as great with a thread and needle as she is with a blow torch and her X-Wing’s blasters.

“I was wondering when you’d come to me with that, Dameron,” she is lounging in her bed reading and doesn’t even look up at Poe when he enters her quarters “So I’ve had time to think what I want in exchange.”

“You have been waiting for me? Ho-“

“Oh please,” there is very self-satisfied smile playing on her lips when she looks up at him “Everyone on that landing bay saw how you look at Finn and then everyone on the base saw him running around with the jacket you’ve been wearing every time when you are out of uniform for as long as I’ve known you.”

“I don’t-“ the knowing look in Jessika’s eyes tells him it’s futile so he sighs, defeated “What is it that you want in exchange.”

“You doing maintenance on my X-Wing for two weeks when we move base.”

“This is non-negotiable, isn’t it?”

“Unless you don’t want me to work my magic on this otherwise unsalvageable jacket.” she sits on the edge of her bed and beckons him over “Give it here and come back tomorrow afternoon, I’ll be ready. And also, Poe.” she calls after he has handed her the jacket and turned to leave, making him stop and look at her “Don’t wait too long, you know what I mean.”

***

Finn is discharged three days after Jessika has finished mending the jacked and with the help of a set of crutches and Poe, he slowly makes his way to their now shared quarters. Poe shows him to the second bed, where several articles of clothing and a datapad have been carefully arranged.

“The quartermaster provided these for you. We’ll get you some more stuff of your own soon, but for now you have these and the other necessities,” as Finn leans down to look at his new possessions and place his crutches on the side of the bed, Poe nervously turns to his own bed where the jacket has been placed, carefully folded, and hands it to Finn “They are not much more stylish than the stormtrooper gear however, so I thought you’d like your jacket back.”

The other man turns and takes it with a startled look

“You fixed the jacket?”

“Well, it was Pava not me. That woman’s a genius with a thread and needle” Poe shifts his weight from one foot to the other “Unless you don’t want it anymore, of course.”

“Of course I do,” Finn drops the jacket behind him and surprises Poe with a tight hug “Thank you.”

“Of course, buddy.” Poe returns as his hands wrap around the other man, careful with the scar on his back, a feeling of warmth he is starting to associate with Finn spreading in his chest.

***

A transmission from Rey arrives the next day. It is short, just a check in to report that they have landed on the planet and she is off to meet Skywalker, along with asking about Finn and sending him her best. Poe can feel the man in question positively fluttering with pride and happiness, which are followed by a wide surprised grin when the General offers him to record a short message to Rey himself and let her know he is okay.

The smile doesn’t leave Finn’s face throughout the whole day, even during the strenuous physical therapy session which Poe is now allowed to attend. Finn keeps looking at him, grinning and babbling about having to get back in shape for when Rey comes back with all of her new Jedi tricks.

Poe finds he doesn’t want to stop smiling either.

***

Poe has a vague memory of a small dark-haired boy clutching the fabric of the General’s sleeve as she arrived to offer her condolences for the death of his mother, he himself older than the boy by just a couple of years. His mind can’t equate that child, the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, to the faceless intruder that dug through his mind, cannot imagine a face that shares his parents’ features underneath the mask that haunts his nightmares.

He hadn’t dreamt a lot when he first returned to D’Qar, his mind too exhausted to provide anything, but a flashing image of a black mask or an outstretched gloved hand. It had started in earnest after Starkiller, in those nights before Rey’s departure when he would go back to his quarters early after trying to keep himself occupied with meaningless tasks between supply runs during the day and found himself restless at night, reliving his capture each time he lost the battle with unconsciousness.

It had become easy when Rey left, the hard chair in the med-bay preventing him from sleeping too deeply and keeping the nightmares at bay, so he often “accidentally” spent the nights there with Finn. But after his friend woke up and started sending him to get some rest in his own quarters every night they came back, each night unforgiving, so he went back to the med-bay while Finn was sleeping and got a bottle of sleeping pills in the hopes that they would at least keep the screams at bay when his friend started sharing his room.

The pills do manage to keep the worst at bay most of the time, but Poe still finds himself waking up in cold sweat and breathing heavily more often than not. Finn miraculously doesn’t wake up, back turned to him and breathing steady. Poe counts his blessings. They don’t last long.

***

About ten days after Finn’s discharge he is given permission to roam freely around the base as long as he doesn’t overexert himself, so Poe takes him to the mess hall at lunch to meet some of his friends. He watches, standing a bit on the side, as Finn introduces himself and it occurs to him for the first time in all these weeks that Finn has kept the name. A name made up in the heat of a moment, because of course Poe wouldn’t stand for referring to another human being with a set of letters and numbers that make him out to be a tool instead of an individual, regardless of the circumstances. But that was then, one’s creativity tends not to be at its best when one is fleeing for his life, so now he wonders if Finn has decided to stick with this name because he likes it, or just because he doesn’t know he can have any name he wants. He resolves to talk to him about it later and returns his attention to the scene in front of him.

Jessika pretty much momentarily takes a liking to Finn, who returns the sentiment, especially when he learns her name.

“So you‘re the one who fixed that?” he points to the back of his jacket and beams at her nod “Thank you, it means a lot.”

“Oh, don’t thank me,” she returns with a grin “It’s not like I did it for free.”

Poe finds himself giving the other man a grin of his own when Finn turns to him for an explanation. He also pretends he doesn’t see the knowing looks Jessika is sending his way.

 

That night in his dreams he is back on the interrogation chair on the Finalizer, Kylo Ren once again in front of him. But this time he is not in the middle of digging through his head, he is standing tall and imposing in front of him, hands at his sides. That’s when Poe notices there is a Stormtrooper next to Ren, armor pristine white and a blaster in his hands. Then Ren reaches over and takes off the helmet, and a tiny part of Poe that realizes he’s dreaming thinks he should have known that Finn would make an appearance in his nightmares sooner rather than later. The rest of Poe that does not make that realization is trembling, hopeless and full of fear.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE.” he yells

Thankfully, his dream ends there because there is a hand on his arm, gently shaking him. Poe shoots straight up, hair sticking to his forehead and neck and imprints of his own fingernails on his palms.

“Poe, buddy, breathe. It’s okay, I am here, it’s all okay.”

He turns and finds Finn’s face right next to his, hand still on Poe’s arm.

“Finn, oh shit, I’m so sorry.” he brings his palms to his face trying to calm his still erratic breathing

“Hey, nonsense. Is this okay,” Finn asks and sits next to him on the bed at Poe’s nod “Do you get these often?”

“Not as often lately, I have pills that should keep them at bay.” Poe sighs “I’m sorry, they usually work.”

“Hey, I said none of that.” Poe feels Finn’s hand leave his arm only to find his own, palm warm and dry against his clammy one “You want to talk about it?”

“Not tonight, I can’t-“ his voice fails him for a few seconds, so he swallows thickly and tries to pull himself together “But hey, Finn, mind if I ask you a question.” he asks, turning to face him

“Of course, anything.” Finn’s expression is open and sincere and Poe once again finds it hard to make any words leave his mouth

“Why did you keep the name Finn? Don’t get me wrong,” he continues quickly when the other man opens his mouth to protest “I am flattered, honored even, that you keep using the name I gave you, but you know that I won’t be offended if you want to give yourself another one, right?”

“But why would I want to? I like Finn, it’s the name you gave me when you helped me escape the Order. It was Finn who met Rey and BB-8 and who went to the resistance and fought against the First Order and Kylo Ren, not FN-2187. It was Finn who you gave your jacket to, I am Finn.”

His stare is intense and Poe thinks that maybe Finn can see the same in his own expression, as the hand, whose fingers are not intertwined with the other man’s moves to rest on the side of Finn’s neck. And then somehow Finn’s lips find his first and in the beginning the kiss is too soft, the other man so careful, his every touch tentative. Poe feels the corners of his mouth lift a little and, moving his hand from the side to the back of Finn’s neck, brings him closer, the kiss deeper, but still tender instead of passionate.

When they break apart Finn brings their foreheads together with a look of what Poe deems fondness to match the adoration written on his own face.

“Of course I’m not changing my name.” he huffs leaning in for another kiss and Poe thinks he may have been a dead man in a chair, but now he has in his arms an ex-strormtrooper who feels like hope.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, find me on tumblr @aro-hawke for any and all (jedi)stormpilot things.


End file.
